Lethargy Makes Strange Bedfellows

12 Apr

The end of March and the first few weeks in April can be the most exciting or most depressing time of year. Let me see a show of hands – this year? Depressing? I’m with ya.

I didn’t know what to do with myself and this year I watched way too much television awaiting the change in seasons for me to get outside – yard work, golf, patio time, rosé, open the cottage. And, it was a bit of a revelation in what now passes for entertainment.

I guess when you have a zillion channels to fill with content, you need a lot of content. Did I say a lot? I meant a shitload of content. And, a shitload is a ‘lot’ to the power of 10. And, there are only so many ideas/concepts from which to glean something to air.

Exhibit 1 – shows about cakes. “No, Bill there can’t be shows about making cakes – just cakes,” you say. Uh, yeah there are a bunch of them. I would have liked to be a fly on the wall when that concept was pitched. “To capitalize on people’s love of cakes, the premise of the show is that two unknown people who just recently joined ACTRA and will take scale, compete over half an hour to impress judges that no one in the viewing audience has ever heard of. The prize? Seriously, these people would take a pat on the back. Cheap, easy to produce, and we can weave in catastrophes and personal breakdowns with a little editing.”

Exhibit 1a – cooking competitions. Top Salad Chef Venezuela. Mirapoix Kings. National Paring Knife Skills Championship. It’s riveting stuff – winners, losers, baskets of weird foods, shouty major name chefs. And ev-er-ry show is the same. Well, except for what kind of offal is in the basket.

Exhibit 2 – shows about houses. There have been shows about houses since Bob Villa rode into our homes on PBS. But it’s getting crazy. How crazy? Well, I’m very optimistically pitching Flip or Flop London Ontario with HGTV. That would make about fourteen in the Flip or Flop franchise. If you haven’t seen one of these, let me take you through the compelling drama. A man and a woman (soon to appear on covers of supermarket tabloids) view three houses and decide to buy one to flip. Then they flip it. It never flops. It just flips. I’m not kidding you that’s it. The key part – yes there is a key part – of every show is when they find something they weren’t expecting……..which after 50 flipped and counting, you’d kind of think they would have expected.

Exhibit 2a – shows about houses – this genre is about looking for a house and then buying it. Yup, 30 minutes that you cannot ever get back. ‘Nuf said.

Exhibit 2b – shows about houses – where house ‘personalities’ help people buy houses, fix houses, flip houses. It’s an attempt to roll all the concepts from 2 and 2a but dressed up with cool looking people who now have eponymous furniture at Home Depot.

Exhibit 3 – crime dramas. My least favourite is one where each and every week, a crack team of FBI profilers tracks and catches a serial killer. It’s not that I don’t believe that ………….wait a minute. There’s nothing about this show that I believe. And, I’m going out on a limb here but it’s probably going to end up being a crazed white guy whose loveless mother left him alone at night to pull wings off flies, wet his bed, and torch his neighbour’s house. Always Mom’s fault. Just sayin’. And, isn’t there enough scary shit in the real world without adding this guy to our nightmares.

Exhibit 3a – crime dramas. Ever seen one of these? A special unit of great looking law enforcement officers singlehandedly defeat a major crime/terrorist/cake threat. Do they need help from anyone outside of their office? Never. Three of these guys can defuse a national (or international) terrorist threat every week without missing a beat and getting the attractive co-worker to go out with them too (spoiler alert: that will prove to be a mistake in season 2). Each week a cool technological twist that helps them solve the crime. Just plug a hair into the computer and get the guy’s picture, fingerprints, DNA, credit card receipts, browsing history, red wine preference. Solved!

So, the television is off now. Only Jays, Raptors, The National, and………..OK……The Voice. What can I say? We all need a little guilty pleasure and I’m a closet singer – stymied by the cruel vagaries of the music business who value looks over talent. Those kids could be me. Well, if they were a ‘lot’ older and couldn’t sing very well. And that’s a ‘lot’ not a shitload.

Pray for warmer weather before I go completely nuts and/or empty the cellar.



P.S. More wine and less social commentary before week’s end. Promise.


3 Responses to “Lethargy Makes Strange Bedfellows”

  1. theswirlingdervish April 12, 2018 at 2:37 pm #

    The cake threats are real! I’m with you on the abundance of crap available on the small screen – but it’s strangely addicting, no? Spring, please hasten thee to our shores!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Lynette d'Arty-Cross April 12, 2018 at 10:09 pm #

    Hahaha. 🙂 Great piece. I think those law enforcement types could just plug that hair into FB though. It would save a lot of money. 😉

    Liked by 1 person


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